20 Things Learned With Age
人大了，学到的20件事
人长大了，我学到的20件事。
世上无巧合。当生活有一定长度时，你会发现巧合似乎有脉络。问问自己，巧合对你有何意义？记住，没有无目的的巧合。你就当是看“直播电影”吧！
做人不要心怀不良心态。即使目标达成，但达成目标的过程会让你夜不能寐，就像给自己的诚信埋下炸弹。一下子就把你毁掉。
不要害怕*冒名顶替综合症。不要怀疑。如果有这种感觉，就完全发挥你的“冒名顶替能力”，不要保留，也别追问。因为你根本不会知道答案。
人在做，天在看。你活到最后一刻时，面对的是自己。要面对的正是你的良知。那个“天”就是你。
不要放弃追求和释放“激情”。当你对激情视而不见，听而不闻时，各种情绪病、不好的事情或身体疾病就会伴随而来，让你找到借口，继续自欺欺人。
不要夸夸其谈自己的成功。因为你99%的成功都不是你计划的。那剩下的1%是什么？只是我说得谦虚而已。如果你认为你已经超级努力，计划完美无缺，天时地利人和配合绝伦，再看看我在第一条说的“巧合”。
不要忽视直觉。无论它来自何方，是生理功能还是神秘体验。相信它，听从它，即使听起来有点不贴地或荒诞。想想，如果你有个朋友叫“直觉”小姐，但你对她毫不信任，你觉得她会留在你身边吗？与你的直觉对话，你会惊讶地发现她会变得敏锐、畅通。
多运动。选择多运动一周，多出一公升汗水，多跳一千次心跳，总比多一周躺在病床上，多吊一公升盐水和多一千次治疗要好。你的魅力和气场是靠身体的“气”去“活动”来展现的。所谓的“运气”不是被动的，而是主动争取的。
不要让“庞大的自我”膨胀得无法动弹，以至连眼睛都被遮蔽。实际上，身边的人比你看得更清楚，他们在背后嘲笑你，只是不会告诉你。因为他们和你一样，不希望你比他们好。
处理你的脆弱。愤怒是自我保护的机制，保护你那脆弱不被暴露的部分。你需要先处理的是你的脆弱，而不是情绪。
不要带着面子进入棺材。因为棺材太小，无法一起装下你的面子与你！你知道吗？送你进棺材的正是你的面子。你总不希望与那害你的杀人凶手，与你共同安息吧。
要理解"夏虫不语冰"的道理。不要跟夏天出生，同一夏天死亡的昆虫说冰雪有多美丽，他们根本无法理解，无论它们有多聪明。省回口气吧。
让你成功的天赋也是导致你失败的天赋。拥有了天赋，也同时问一下你自己，你天赋的“阴影面”是什么？它阻碍了你做更重要的事情吗？或作出更重要的决定吗？所谓“一阴一阳是为道”。当你庆贺你的天赋，你的与别不同时，不要忽略它的另外一面正拖着你的后腿，不让你前进。比如，爱恩斯坦的科学成就却与他紊乱的家庭关系形成大对比。
不要把年龄作为借口。年长了，很多人都无意识的以“年纪大”作为借口。一旦你停滞不前，身体就会以诸多的原因来回应你，生病、身体机能衰退、不好的消息。让你更理直气壮的相信自己：“我真的老了！“。你的潜语言是：“我不需要去学习新的事物，我不需要再做运动，我不需要改变，我不需要去竞赛了。。。”
人们都不喜欢认识自己。因为那是件痛苦的事，会极力避免。直到不好的事情发生后，才会开始感到对自己如此陌生。一次、两次、三次...直到某一次他们愿意探索：“我是谁？”转变才会真正开始。
人是一部超级复杂的机器。但是，你又没有教你如何运作的“说明书”，如同你的家电说明书。这就像让你开嫦娥火箭去月球，却没有给你说明书和训练一样。当面临失败、迷失、困境、疾病、绝望、恐惧、惊喜、矛盾、冲突时，你该如何调节自己这台机器，避免它死机呢？
放开你的救生圈。救生圈就是你的舒适区，但真理的道路在海底之下，如果你一直套着救生圈，就永远无法潜入水中寻找。如果你不会游泳，就找个教练学习吧。
人是无法被强迫醒来的，除非他们自愿。即使我是一位教练，也不会四处寻找需要教练的人。如果那个人没有准备好，没有改变的需求，不愿意与我一起行动，或者还在沉睡中不愿被唤醒，那么教练的关系将无法建立。因此，改变也不会产生效果。否则，你只会被人认为是"好心做坏事"，还可能遭到指责。直到有一天，他自己主动发出改变的指令为止。
人际关系都是非常脆弱的。我参加了一个义务团体，作为他们的教练之一，最初是为清华大学的学生教授人际交往的"软技巧"，比如矛盾处理、情商（EI）、逆商（AQ）、文商（CQ）、仆人式领导力、沟通技巧等。如今，这些课程已经扩展到其他大学。为什么呢？因为这些"软"方面的技能在大多数学校课程中并不教授，因为它们的效果不像"硬"技能那样可以被量化。然而，软技能和硬技能同样重要，因为人际关系非常脆弱，最难触摸。
孤独并不等于寂寞。如果你不感到孤独，要么你正在随波逐流，不需要冒险，要么你只是按照既定的规划行事。而孤独的你，仍然与他人紧密相连而不疏离，只是暂时有一部分人不认同你的想法而已。而寂寞则相反，即使有很多人在你身边，但你的情感却无法与他们产生共鸣，面对重复发生的未来，束手无策。孤独的指标显示了你在舒适区中的何等位置，是否需要寻找新的挑战。
注解：
*冒名顶替综合症是一种心理模式，个体对自己的成就怀疑，担心被揭穿为骗子，尽管有能力和成功的证据。他们常将成就归因于运气或外部因素，不认可自己的能力和努力。他们觉得不配得到成就，担心被发现无能。冒名顶替综合症可以影响任何人，尤其在高成就领域中常见。
Growing up, I've learned 20 things.
There are no coincidences in the world. As life unfolds, you'll notice a pattern in coincidences. Ask yourself, what meaning do coincidences hold for you? Remember, there are no purposeless coincidences. Consider it as watching a "live movie."
Don't have a malicious mindset. Even if you achieve your goals, the process of achieving them can haunt you, like planting a bomb of dishonesty within yourself. It will eventually destroy you.
Don't fear the *imposter syndrome. Don't doubt yourself. If you feel that way, fully embrace your "imposter abilities" without reservation or further questioning. Because you won't really know the answer.
People are watching what you do. When you reach your last moment in life, you'll face yourself. It's your conscience you'll have to confront. That "heaven" is within you.
Don't abandon the pursuit and release of passion. When you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to passion, various emotional illnesses, negative events, or physical ailments will accompany you, providing excuses for self-deception.
Don't boast about your success. Because you do not plan 99% of your success. And that remaining 1%? It's just me being humble. If you think you've put in superhuman effort, had a flawless plan, perfect timing, and extraordinary circumstances aligned, revisit what I mentioned in the first point about "coincidences."
Don't ignore your intuition. Regardless of its origin, whether it's a physiological function or a mysterious experience, trust it and listen to it, even if it sounds a bit unconventional or absurd. Imagine you had a friend named "Miss Intuition," but you didn't trust her. Do you think she would stick around? Engage in a dialogue with your intuition, and you'll be surprised to find it becoming keen and clear.
Exercise more. Choosing to exercise for a week, sweating an extra litre, and increasing your heart rate by a thousand beats is better than spending an extra week in a hospital bed, receiving an extra litre of saline solution, and undergoing a thousand treatments. Your charm and presence rely on the "energy" of your body in motion. So-called "luck" is not passive; it's actively pursued.
Don't let your "exaggerated self" become so inflated that it becomes immobile., even obscuring your vision. In reality, the people around you see things more clearly than you do. They may mock you behind your back, but they won't tell you. Because, like you, they don't want you to surpass them.
Address your vulnerabilities. Anger is a self-defence mechanism that shields your vulnerabilities from being exposed. You must address your vulnerabilities first rather than focusing on your emotions.
Don't bring your ego into the coffin. Because the coffin is too small to fit both your ego and you! Did you know? It's your ego that accompanies you into the coffin. You wouldn't want to rest together with the murderer who harmed you, would you?
Understand the principle that "summer insects cannot talk about ice." Don't expect insects born and died in the summer to understand how beautiful ice and snow are, no matter how intelligent they may be. Let go of your arrogance.
The talents that lead you to success are also the talents that lead you to failure. When you possess talent, also ask yourself, what is the "shadow side" of your talent? Does it hinder you from doing more important things or making crucial decisions? It's said that "one yin, one yang is the way." When you celebrate your talent, don't ignore that its other side is dragging you down and preventing your progress. For example, Einstein's scientific achievements contrasted sharply with his troubled family relationships.
Don't use age as an excuse. As people grow older, many unconsciously use "old age" as an excuse. Once you stagnate, your body will respond with various reasons—illness, physical decline, bad news—to reinforce your belief of "I'm really old!" Your hidden message is, "I don't need to learn new things, I don't need to exercise anymore, I don't need to change, I don't need to compete..."
People don't like getting to know themselves. It's a painful process that they try to avoid at all costs. Only after something bad happens do they begin to feel so unfamiliar with themselves. One time, two times, three times...until one day, they are willing to explore, "Who am I?" That's when true transformation begins.
Humans are incredibly complex machines. However, you don't have an "instruction manual" that teaches you how to operate, like the user manual for your household appliances. It's like asking you to pilot a lunar lander to the moon without providing an instruction manual or training. How do you adjust yourself and prevent your machine from crashing when faced with failure, confusion, challenges, illness, despair, fear, surprises, contradictions, or conflicts?
Let go of your lifebuoy. Your lifebuoy is your comfort zone, but the path to truth lies beneath the sea. If you keep wearing the lifebuoy, you can never dive into the water to search for it. If you don't know how to swim, find a coach and learn.
People cannot be forced to wake up unless they are willing. I won't look for people who need coaching even as a coach. If that person isn't ready, doesn't have a need for change, isn't willing to take action with me, or is still asleep and unwilling to be awakened, the coach-client relationship cannot be established. Therefore, change won't be effective. Otherwise, you will only be seen as "doing good but causing harm" and may face criticism. Only when they themselves issue the command for change will it happen.
Interpersonal relationships are very fragile. I joined a voluntary organisation as one of their coaches, initially teaching interpersonal "soft skills" to students from Tsinghua University, such as conflict resolution, emotional intelligence (EI), adversity quotient (AQ), cultural intelligence (CQ), servant leadership, and communication skills. Now, these courses have expanded to other universities. Why? Because these "soft" skills are not taught in most school curricula since their effects cannot be quantified like "hard" skills. However, soft skills are equally important because interpersonal relationships are incredibly fragile and challenging to navigate.
Alone does not equal lonely. If you don't feel lonely, you go with the flow and avoid risks by following a predetermined plan. As for the aloneness you, you are still closely connected to others without alienation; it's just that, temporarily, some people don't resonate with your ideas. Loneliness, on the other hand, is when, even with many people around you, your emotions cannot resonate with them, leaving you helpless in the face of a repetitive future. The indicator of aloneness shows where you stand in your comfort zone and whether you need to seek new challenges.
Note:
* Imposter syndrome is a psychological pattern where individuals doubt their accomplishments and fear being exposed as fraud despite evidence of competence and success. They often attribute their achievements to luck or external factors, not recognizing their abilities and efforts. They feel undeserving of their accomplishments and fear being discovered as inadequate. Imposter syndrome can affect anyone, particularly in high-achieving fields.
Love.
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David Tsui | 徐敏聪
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